ashkelee

Slowly but surely...

2009-02-07T12:55:20Z

My relationship with him... is slowly, but surely dying away.

And as it fades, an old flame has rekindled, along with much of the brilliant sparks that it first came with.

I just want to be next to fuzzy now.

ashkelee @ 2009-01-29T00:03:00

2009-01-28T16:04:52Z

It's a cold cold night.

I need someone warm.

To cuddle me.

Why am I still trying...

2009-01-04T04:01:24Z

I feel like I have to shout out a million different profanities just so I can get this mixture of frustration/anger/disappointment out of my body.

Now that you've started the questioning, they are appearing fast-and-furiously.

And the spots from where they appear are revealing deep cracks and fissures that are rocking my confidence.

Do not regret the damage you've done for they have already been wreaked.

If you ever decide to come back, be prepared to win me back cause I will not just be meekly submitting to you.

And if you think that i've changed, the only reason will be because of you.

ashkelee @ 2008-12-27T00:13:00

2008-12-26T16:16:00Z

He said to me...

the truth is

i really miss you

but i dont know whether its becos i miss being in a relationship

or its you i really miss

How reel life parallels real life

2008-12-25T16:16:39Z

She's never made my heart bounce," he sighs. "Do you think it's wrong for someone to marry another person, not because she's the one, but because...she's the only?"
Unsure of how to respond, Ally tells him that "we make so few promises to ourselves as we grow up and one of them is that on our wedding day we'll walk down the aisle with someone we love. Someone who does make our heart bounce, I guess. And there are some promises, Harry, that I feel we just have to keep."

***
But sometimes, if you hold out for everything, you end up with nothing.
Sometimes the worst thing for somebody's heart could be loneliness
And promises we make ourselves when we're kids...stupid anyway.

Baby, Don't You Break My Heart Slow

2008-12-25T09:15:16Z

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken,
Do you say, do you say what you mean
I want our love to last forever

But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
And I like the way you'd say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you mean, do you mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home still thinking that we're together
I wanted our love to last forever
I was believing in you

Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

Sobering Realizations

2008-12-14T16:09:51Z

I used to be proud of being a die-hard romantic.

Always believed in giving my all and being effusively affectionate, for every relationship (not that i've many).

Now, i think it's damn stupid and naive to think that just being all romantic, affectionate and passionate no-holds barred would solve all problems. It's not that you shouldn't be romantic, affectionate or passionate, but you should never allow yourself to be blinded by it.

People say love is blind. I agree, but do not think it's a good thing. One should never be blind to the problems in a relationship nor to the flaws in your partner. It's naive to think that to be blind to it, it will go away. Instead, it will just fester insidiously till one day it announces its presence in a dramatic eruption. When that happens, it might just be too late to salvage the situation. To further extrapolate on that conclusion, one must see the problems in order to try to solve it or know when to stop trying.

I wished I hadn't been so clueless. Now I can only hope that things are still salvageable.

ashkelee @ 2008-12-10T00:44:00

2008-12-09T16:53:03Z

My world should stop revolving around him.

Instead, the world should be revolving around us.

ashkelee @ 2008-12-09T00:24:00

2008-12-08T16:27:08Z

I miss him so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my mood just totally lifted the instant i got an sms from him. heh.

ashkelee @ 2008-12-08T22:36:00

2008-12-08T14:37:15Z

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED a holiday.

Melancholic~~~

2008-12-08T14:08:08Z

Melancholy plaques me.

Insecurities gnaws at my mind.

If only my boy is here to wrap his warm arms around me and whisper, "Worry not, I'll always be here."

Pain

2008-11-08T19:45:25Z

Every movement he made
Burnt both my eyes.

Every stare he gave
Pierced through my heart.

And every word he said
Cut into my skin.

Till

I'm only left
With my tattered skin
To cover my punctured heart
That my blinded eyes

Can only feel

I'm fucked up

2008-11-08T19:29:23Z

I'm a fucked up person.

That's nothing new.

It's just how fucked up i am

That i never knew.

i wanna cry but i can't

2008-06-29T15:10:28Z

i just wanna cry
sob
weep
wail
whine
moan
tear
scream
whimper

but i can't

cause there are people around
and i cannot let them see

and so its only here
that i can allow my tears
to flow virtually

Sometimes you wonder...

2008-05-21T14:05:28Z

Sometimes you wonder
about things you shouldn't
be wondering about
and you wonder
if it's just a moment
of vulnerability
or that it's something
you should be wondering about

I know but I don't know...

2008-05-01T18:17:55Z

I can take all the criticism for my insensitivity and big ego... and you can point out all my flaws right in my face. It's alright cause I want to be a better person, if not for you, for myself and people around me.

But it's hurtful when you tell me that I should find someone better than you. Cause it just makes me feel like I haven't done enough to make you feel like you are the best thing to have happened to me in all my 25 years of life, and will probably remain the best thing for the rest of my life.

你给我的感觉

2008-03-14T16:32:53Z

致宝贝：

当我听见你的声音时，一股温馨的感觉会涌入心房。
当我看见你脸上的笑容时，我也会感觉到无比的喜悦。
当我们紧握彼此的手时，我会感觉特别的温暖。
当我想到有你陪在我身边时，就只有一种感觉。。。
幸福的感觉。

=）

in taiwan

2008-02-18T06:03:53Z

taipei is really cold. like 9-10 degrees.
thank god it has become warmer now.
no longer have to wake up feeling like you've slept in a freezer the night before. haha.

anyway taiwanese street snacks are really great! so much variety!
unfortunately my kakis aren't as adventurous and have smaller stomach,
so i end up being the only one to try the stuff most of the time.
hopefully they will start to warm up soon to the great food!

ok, time for lunch.
update later!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-30T04:26:33Z

FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

Post Exam Movie List

2008-01-28T07:43:41Z

As if the movie industry is conspiring to make me fail my exams, there's been a deluge of great/interesting movies that has caught my attention (enticing me to throw my books aside to catch them) at the start of 2008. With great restraint (self or otherwise), I've managed to restrict myself to two of them so far.

And even though I am supposed to endure another 20 plus hours of tortuous mugging before my last paper tomorrow, I've decided to motivate myself (rather late though haha) by coming up with a list of movies to catch after the exams!

Already Watched
Eastern Promises
Dan In Real Life

Must Watch
The Savages
The Diving Bell and The Butterfly
Atonement
Darjeeling Limited (may have ended its run! =<)
The Kite Runner (coming)

Likely to Watch
Trade
3:10 To Yuma
Across the Universe (may have ended its run! =<)
Elizabeth the Golden Age
Sweeney Todd
Michael Clayton

May Watch
27 Dresses
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
The Mist

What a Wonderful Weekend~

2008-01-20T16:41:30Z

It was such an amazing weekend!

On friday,
delicious dinner followed by
great movie (Dan in real life)
snuggly sleepover at his place where we
watched two episodes of S3 ally mcbeal
cuddled to sleep

on sat,
awoke to wondrous love-making in the morning then
visited jurong bird park in
beautiful sunny weather
with ah fatz and date
exciting bird of prey show
singing parrots
plump penguins feeding
greedy lorikeets feeding, then
back home for two rounds of mj
watched a piece of aust open tennis history
of a match that lasted till 403am local time(!)
then nintendo wii to get our adrenaline pumping

oh, what a wonderful weekend~
i wished it could have lasted longer
but i know
that there will be
many many more such weekends
that i will spend with my Mr Dark Dark Grey.

Happiness is me~
*you should see the silly smile on my face the entire day*

The Voice of Amy Winehouse

2008-01-11T11:11:44Z

The first thing I ever heard about her was how she was hooked on crack and alcohol.
And I was thinking.. another poor celebrity going down the road to self-destruction.
That would have been the end of my interest in amy winehouse.
Until I read today's Life article on female celebrities gone astray.
And how she was nominated for 6 grammies despite the spate of unsavoury news surrounding her lifestyle.
Then I went on youtube to find out whether she can sing.
And boy oh boy, can this girl SING!
This particular live rendition of her cover of valerie.... smoking!
What a voice.

Frustration.. again.

2008-01-10T15:38:09Z

Everytime he lapses into the self-deprecating depressive mood (mostly work related), he shuts off from the world.
It drives me crazy not knowing what is happening, where he is and what he is doing.
It breaks my heart to hear him speak so lowly of himself, to see his fragile ego undergo self mutilation.
I want to reach out to him, to comfort him, to soothe the pain.
But each time I try, he withdraws, he barricades, he snaps away in pain.
I can't do anything except to wait. And be patient. And be hopeful.

The Gay Score

2007-12-27T08:02:44Z

This is from quite a while back, but decided to jolt it down for posterity's sake.

After failing to get tickets for a movie we wanted to watch, we decided to just sit along the steps outside of the cathay and watch the throngs of people passing by. We were rather surprised by the number of presumably gay men we spotted in the short time after we had found a comfortable spot to settle on. I used the word "presumably", because we obviously had no way to verify the accuracy of our observations. That's when I came up with the idea to devise a gay scoring system, adding a "scientific" spin to the proverbial gaydar. A fun (some may say it's lame) way to entertain ourselves notwithstanding, I would like to think that it would hopefully help clueless straight people and confused gay men figure out who's in and who's out.

Disclaimer: It was created in the name of good fun, and it's based solely on our personal experiences, observations and knowledge of the Gay Man. Clearly, it contains numerous stereotypical perceptions which may or may not carry some truth. As such, we would like to implore readers/users not to get carried away in assuming anyone who fits the stereotype must be gay, and conversely that anyone who does not, must be otherwise. Finally, take it with a pinch of salt, and you may see the fun in it.

The Gay Score

Overview: There are 3 different categories for scoring, namely
(1) Physical Attributes (total of 11 points)
(2) Fashion Sense (total of 14 points)
(3) Behavioural Signs (total of 15 points)

The overall score, out of a maximum of 40 points, will give an indication of how likely the man is gay.

(1) Physical Attributes (max 11 points)

Hair (fashionable hairdo)	Scores 1 point
Eyebrow	Scores 3 points
Complexion	Scores 2 points for flawless skin, OR 1 point for glorious tan
Muscles	Scores 2 points for giant pectorals OR bulging arms
Shaven pits	Scores 3 points for shaven pits

(2) Fashion Sense (max 14 points )

NewUrbanMale merchandise	Scores 2 points for using NUM merchandise
Tight fitting singlet/sleeveless	Scores 4 points
Revealing underwear	Scores 1 point
Loud colours eg Pink, Orange, Purple	Scores 2 points
Fashionable belt	Scores 1 point
Excessive Blingblings	Scores 1 point
Giant bags eg tote bags	Scores 2 points
Dragon Boat Oar	Scores 1 point

(3) Behavioural Signs (max 15 points)

Laughing Loudly	Scores 1 point
Bitching Loudly	Scores 4 points
Flexible/Limp Wrist	Scores 3 points
Excessive gesticulations	Scores 2 points
Affected Gait	Scores 2 points
Mirror Whoring	Scores 1 point
Acting sisterly with a girl	Scores 2 points

What the score tells you:
0-10        20% chance that he's gay
10-20      40% chance that he's gay
20-30      70% chance that he's gay
30-40      90% chance that he's gay

Future modifications:
1. An additional category for negative scoring will be added, to take into account negative signs of gayness, for e.g. smooching a girl.

mindgames

2007-12-17T08:31:29Z

i should really relax.
and chill.
giving myself too much undue pressure.
reading too much into things.
getting all sensitive.
is not going to help.
the irony is.
the more i try not to think.
the more i do.
forget about expectations.
forget about obligations.
just enjoy.
the free-floating feeling.
of being in a relationship.